Rodney Rothman previously served as executive producer on Forgetting Sarah Marshall. His next film, the Sarah Marshall spinoff Get Him to the Greek, is due to be released in June of 2010. Rothman is the author of the best-selling nonfiction humor book “Early Bird,”

As a television writer, Rothman was hired as a staff writer at The Late Show With David Letterman when he was 21 years old.  At 24, he was promoted to head writer, making him the youngest head writer in the program’s history.  While serving as head writer, he was nominated for five Emmy Awards for Outstanding Writing and helped the show win three Emmy Awards for Outstanding Variety, Comedy or Musical Program.

In addition, Rothman has written and directed comedic material for The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, served as writer and supervising producer on Undeclared and created the HBO comedy pilot $5.15/Hr., along with director Richard Linklater.

His writing has also appeared in The New Yorker, GQ, The New York Times, The New York Times Magazine and McSweeney’s Quarterly. His piece “My Fake Job” was included in The Best American Nonrequired Reading, edited by Dave Eggers.

The Interview

The Daily Norm: My readers and I would like to make sure you are, in fact, human – it levels the ‘normalcy’ playing field. So do you eat, go to the bathroom, bleed and cry?

Rodney Rothman: If being human means that I procrastinate far too much, sleep too little, sleep too much, and do four things a day I need to apologize for – then yes, I am human. Also I eat too much ice cream.

TDN: What’s your daily schedule on a normal day?

RR: I wake up and check my email, take a shower, sit down at my computer, drink some coffee, do some deep breathing, say a prayer to the muses, and then randomly jump around on the internet for 2 hours until guilt overtakes me.

TDN: Name one thing that you have to do on a regular basis that you despise. What lengths would you actually go to, in order to delete it from your schedule?

RR: Keeping a to do list. Because so many things I don’t want to do stem from that damn thing.

TDN: What would you change about your work, industry, profession or self if you could change anything?

RR: There are so many gatekeepers in Hollywood it makes it hard to actually make stuff.  You’re always working hard to please the girl who works for the guy who works for the girl who works for the guy who works for the multi-national corporation that makes the decisions.

TDN: Is there any life stage or event you would have skipped (like geometry) on the way to where you are now? Would it have been missed?

RR: Nah, not really. In some ways I wish I still knew calculus.

TDN: What was your main stepping stone to getting to where you are today?

RR: My mom introduced me to a friend of a friend’s son who was writing for SNL. Just as a “meet a writer” informational thing. That guy told me I could submit jokes to SNL’s Weekend Update as a freelancer and if I got any on I’d be paid 50 bucks a joke. I wrote some, got some on, and suddenly a goal that seemed impossible shifted into view. Thanks Mom!

TDN: What word or phrase do you say most often?

RR: According to the people who make fun of me it’s “Hey man what’s up,” regardless of whether I’m talking to a man or a woman.

TDN: What is your single biggest accomplishment?

RR: People I admire creatively caring about what I have to say. It happens every now and again.

TDN: Is there anything that you can’t live without?

RR: Pens and Paper. I still do a lot of my best thinking with it.

TDN: What’s the best part of your life?

RR: My girlfriend and getting to make movies.

TDN: And have you figured out how to get more of it?

RR: Making movies: Trying to have as many irons in the fire as I can because you never know.

My girlfriend: I’m pretty sure I already mentioned the apologizing four times a day part.

TDN: What is your ultimate motivation tool?

RR: To tell a story that moves others as much as the best stories have moved me — especially friends and family.

TDN: If someone wanted to be you or do what you do, what would you say to them?

RR: Write as much as possible. Find the places where the most talent aspirants to your art form gather, and join that community. Conferences, clubs, schools, “scenes,” festivals — wherever community is fostered. Relationships matter as in any industry. You never know who will end up being able to help you out. Be nice to your mom, she might know someone.

Alisa Bowman: Writer, Marriage Ass-Kicker

Alisa is one of those gems that I found on Twitter that turned into a real friend. It was hard not to get addicted to her and her ProjectHapillyEverAfter blog when the premise revolves around her plotting how exactly to off her husband, and then, instead, deciding to make a project out of saving her marriage. Some of my favorite advice? Whenever there’s turbulence, just give him a blowjob. I mean, really – how can you deny the power of those words?

I’m thrilled to let you all know that Project: Happily Ever After (the book) will be released by Running Press in February, 2011—just in time for Valentine’s day. And that Alisa is a highly sought after ghostwriter – having penned nearly 30 titles, 6 of which have been New York Times Bestsellers including: Back to Life After a Heart Crisis (Avery 2010), The Skinny (Broadway 2009), The 90 Second Fitness Solution (Atria 2008), Stop Aging, Start Living (Crown 2007).

You can also read Alisa on Ghostwriting Revealed (yes, that’s a blog about ghostwriting) and SexIs (yes, that’s a sex column).

The Interview

The Daily Norm: My readers and I would like to make sure you are, in fact, human – it levels the ‘normalcy’ playing field. So do you eat, go to the bathroom, bleed and cry?

Alisa Bowman: My taste buds adore flavor—the stronger the flavor the better. I love olives, anchovies, garlic, butter, burgers, guacamole, sea salt, cayenne pepper, jalapenos, curry, margaritas, extremely hoppy beer and dry red wine. I tend to overdo it on the eating part of life, which means that I’m constantly mulling over the idea of forcing my body to fit back into my clothes.  I manage to pull off the Incredible Shrinking Body Routine once a year, usually in the spring.

Then I soon gain back the same 5 pounds and my clothes are tight again. Because of this, I spent a good portion of the year living in sweatpants, as they are the only clothes that don’t make me feel like a stuffed sausage. This all causes me to feel a bit inadequate, considering the fact that I’ve ghost written a number of best-selling diet books and here I am gaining and losing the same 5 pounds over and over again.

As for crying—I seem to require a good snot-clearing catharsis about once a season. In the middle of the night after I learned I’d gotten the book deal for Project: Happily Ever After, for instance, I woke up with tears in my eyes, got out of bed, grabbed a box of tissues, and heaved big sloppy girly tears for a good hour or so. My eyes were swollen puffy the next day, but I told everyone that it was from allergies. I was too embarrassed to admit that a good thing—getting a book deal—had reduced me to those types of tears.

But that’s how I am. I never know what will set off my tear response. I cried the same sloppy tears the night after my daughter was born. I cried them at the end of reading A Thousand Splendid Suns.

Certain types of music will move me to tears. And, it must be said, I’ve cried during every single one of my daughter’s holiday pageants.

TDN: What’s your daily schedule on a normal day?

AB: I get up around 6 a.m. with the intention of meditating. Sometimes I check email instead. I check Feedburner every single morning so I can see how many people have subscribed to my blog in the past 24 hours. On Mondays, my stats always fall by about 200 subscribers and I, without fail, go to the, “Crap I must have really offended them! OMG! What should I do about it?!” place. Then on Tuesday the stats are back up and I’m like, “Oh, phew, people still love me. That’s a relief.”

The rest of the morning is about breakfast and getting my 5 year old ready and off to Kindergarten.

Once back at home, I write. I write books. I write magazine articles. I write blog posts. I write essays. I write all day long. Periodically I take breaks to 1) drink tea 2) walk the dog 3) run 4) look out the window 5) Twitter 6) eat 7) ponder whether my life is on the right track.

Then, in the evening, I either have family time or personal time (book club, girl’s night out, a dinner date with a friend). Sometimes, after my daughter is in bed, I check email, do more Twitter, work on my blog and generally bow to the shrine that is my computer. Other times I cuddle with my husband while we watch gory crime shows on TV. I’m usually in bed by 10 p.m.

TDN: Name one thing that you have to do on a regular basis that you despise. What lengths would you actually go to, in order to delete it from your schedule?

AB: I hate scooping my dog’s poop. I use old newspaper and grocery store bags. I’m almost certain that these companies have been using cheaper bags due to recession. Sometimes the bags have holes in them. That’s a bad dog-walking day when the bag has a hole in it, that’s for sure.

I have a very elaborate system for getting my dog to poop in places that won’t require scooping—such as the big empty lot that no one seems to care about.  I try to slow down my pace at such places—giving him every chance in the world to poop there. I say things like, “Go to the bathroom” over and over again, because I’m neurotic and I like to imagine that my dog understands things like that. Usually he decides he’s just not feeling it at that moment. Then, at the next house, he drops his load and I’m like, “Are you TRYING to torture me?!”

TDN: What would you change about your work, industry, profession or self if you could change anything?

AB: I embrace change and am continually changing myself into a new person. At the moment, I’m trying to become a more compassionate, loving being. I’m also trying to become more passionate in bed. I also wish I had more energy and that I worried a lot less than I do. Those latter two things are directly related, because the unnecessary worry saps my energy.

As for what I would change about my profession, it would have to be the value people place on writing. I’ve managed to make a good living as a writer, but many writers don’t, and it’s not necessarily because they lack the talent. It depresses me that so many large websites ask professional writers to write for free or for sweatshop wages. It should be illegal to pay $5 for a blog post—considering the fact that it takes most people an hour or more to write one. That’s less than the minimum wage. High school dropouts can earn more by flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant.

TDN: Is there any life stage or event you would have skipped (like geometry) on the way to where you are now? Would it have been missed?

I’ve had some traumatic things happen to me that I don’t like to talk about or think about, but I would not undo them. They’ve shaped me into who I am, and I strongly believe that they’ve made me a better writer. People who read my blog often write to me and tell me that I make them feel normal and understood. I think that’s because I know pain, and knowing pain helps me to empathize with others.

That said, I would definitely skip that stage in school (roughly 7th grade through 12th) when I felt like a complete dork. I was a shy, introverted kid, and I always thought that the other kids were making fun of me behind my back. I also had terrible self- esteem. I thought I was ugly. I thought I was fat. I thought I was a dweeb. I thought this so strongly that I rarely allowed someone to take a photo of me, and most of the photos that people did take I later threw away. Sometimes I look at some of the few photos that I do have from this time period and I think, “Why did you think you were fat and ugly? You so were not.”

TDN: What was your main stepping stone to getting to where you are today? (Person, place, thing, luck, pluck, virtue?)

AB: During my sophomore year of college, I had the privilege of taking a class from a visiting professor who’d once been the editor in chief of a small, but incredibly well respected newspaper—one that had won a number of Pulitzers. I missed the first week of class because my maternal grandmother had died, and I spent most of that semester in a deep depression. He seemed to understand my grief implicitly. Toward the end of the semester, I mentioned that I was struggling to find a summer internship. He said that he knew the editor in chief at a Colorado newspaper. He picked up the phone, called this editor, told him that I was “one of his best students” and suggested that he would be lucky to have me as an intern. That internship led to me landing another one at a larger paper—the one that eventually hired me upon graduation.

Later in my career, an editor hired me to work on his biggest book of the year. The entire publishing house had high hopes for the book, and everyone all the way up to the company CEO had their fingers in the dough. It was only the second book I’d ever ghosted, so I was honored that he trusted me enough to handle such an important project for him. That book was my first best seller. It launched my ghosting career in a big way.

Of course, I’d be totally remiss if I didn’t mention the impact of that my almost-failed marriage had on my career. If I hadn’t have once thought my husband dead and then done the hard work to save my marriage, I would never have started doing the type of writing I am doing today. I had no idea that experiential writing was inside of me until I had the marriage experience to write about. Once I started writing about my marriage, I couldn’t stop. The essays, blogs and life stories seemed to ooze out of every orifice. Now it’s hard for me to imagine NOT doing this type of writing. It seems as if this is what I was born to do—to share these experiences with others.

TDN: What word or phrase do you say most often?

AB: I’d love to tell you that it’s “blowjob,” but I abuse the words “actually” and “really.” I actually think that I really do. Like that.

TDN: What is your single biggest accomplishment?

AB: I am proud of many accomplishments. I’ve written best sellers. I’ve run marathons. I’ve delivered speeches that have gotten the audience rolling on the floor laughing, despite my incredible fear of public speaking. I’ve launched a successful business. I’ve taught myself the finer points of the US tax code. I even once helped to put out a real fire.

On my deathbed, though, when I look back over my life, I will be most thankful for one thing–that I took the time to get pregnant and have a baby. It’s not as if I had to work all that hard to get the egg and sperm to unite and then eventually grow into a baby. But that baby? She’s my gift from God.

TDN: Is there anything that you can’t live without? (besides food, water and oxygen)

AB: I love words. I love how they sound. I love the process of stringing them together. I love trying to use them to accomplish certain feats—to get people to laugh, to think, to emote. I love working with words in a way that some people love playing video games. It’s timeless for me. It’s joy. If I couldn’t write, I’d probably end up in a mental health ward.

TDN: What’s the best part of your life?

AB: That it’s mine to live, and that I have found a way to get paid to do something I love to do.

TDN: And have you figured out how to get more of it?

AB: I’m constantly imagining types of projects that I want to work on—books I want to write, authors who I’d like to work with, stories I’d like to tell. Once I know what I want, I create a map that will get me from where I am and to that writing goal. On my good days, I believe that anything is possible for me. That belief allows me to persistently take one step after another toward that goal. Yes, sometimes I get sidetracked. Sometimes I get lost. But it’s the belief that anything is possible coupled with the persistence that arises from that belief that always, without fail, gets me back on the right path.

TDN: Who do you most admire?

AB: I admire many people. I admire other writers—Malcolm Gladwell, Elizabeth Gilbert, Joyce Carol Oates, Joan Didion, Gloria Steinem, David Sedaris, Nora Ephron, Barbara Kingsolver—for their craft—how they use words, how they tell stories, how they argue a point. I admire certain spiritual leaders—especially people like Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi for teaching us to never give up on good. And I admire many regular every day people for making me laugh, for allowing me to feel loved, and for encouraging me to be the best person that I can be.

TDN: What is your ultimate motivation tool?

AB: Myself. I am my own boss from hell.

TDN: If someone wanted to be you or do what you do, what would you say to them?

AB: Do it because you love it, and not because you want to make money, become famous, or earn the respect of others. Writing isn’t about you and it’s not about your ego. It’s about joy and it’s about making a difference. If you write for others—to help them, to make them feel normal, to lighten their load, to brighten their day–success will follow.

To read more from the creator of The Daily Norm…go here.

Andy Mitchell: Producer, Director of Photography, Writer for Documentary Films

Andy Mitchell, or ‘Mitch’ as his friends call him, is a documentary filmmaker who’s worked on films that have won Emmys of all things. A large portion of his time has been spent with National Geographic, but since 2005, he’s worked independently – nabbing the best projects. His work sends him all over the world, under water, on mountain tops and beyond. In his own words:

“Today my office is the world. During the past seven years, I’ve had a backstage pass to the world, which has landed me in dozens of countries. So far, in my office, I’ve been attacked by a tapir and burned by a Portuguese man-of-war. I’ve been bitten by venomous ants on three continents and woken up by a scorpion’s sting. But the thing is, I love my office more than I ever dreamed I could. I’ve ridden in submarines; swum in the Panama Canal; worked to save scarlet macaw babies; drunk rum with tropical lighthouse keepers; wrestled crocodiles; cheered on egg-laying sea turtles; snuggled with lions and tigers, pumas and cheetahs; ridden elephants; swum in all four oceans; and snowmobiled through the nothingness of the Arctic into a never-setting sun.”

Interview

The Daily Norm: My readers and I would like to make sure you are, in fact, human – it levels the ‘normalcy’ playing field. So do you eat, go to the bathroom, bleed and cry?

Andy Mitchell: Normalcy is a relative thing. I sweat like a pig… but don’t bleed anywhere near as much as I used to.  Unfortunately that invincibility shield that miraculously kept me alive is wearing off… (that and having a kid.)  The kid changes everything.  I cry way too much… like, way too much.  Little House on the Prairie… oh yeah.  Pa was always so right on. Of all the bodily fluids to involuntarily excrete—tears aren’t so bad.  Which brings me to the bathroom… without being too graphic, let’s just say my poop right now probably isn’t as normal as most peoples. Living in the swamps of Congo for a while will do that to you. I’m planning the next big diet craze… the Parasite Diet—a few bugs and you’re down 30 pounds in just a few weeks.

TDN: What’s your daily schedule on a normal day?

AM: I have no normal day. A blessing and a curse. One day I’ll jump out of a helicopter into shark infested waters—and the next, go to the petting zoo with my kid. I pet wild lions, get charged by silverback Gorillas, and discover Mayan ruins—but I’m never happier than when I’m at home—family and friends, roaring fire, comfort food, a glass of wine (maybe a joint), and nothing to do but appreciate that very moment. It’s lucky to be in the moment that really matters—and actually realize it. That is what I live for.

TDN: Name one thing that you have to do on a regular basis that you despise. What lengths would you actually go to, in order to delete it from your schedule?

AM: Leaving home is the hardest thing I have to do. But coming home is so great that it almost… almost makes it worth it.

TDN: What would you change about your work, industry, profession or self if you could change anything?

AM: There are countless things I’d change about my work, industry and my profession… but I find myself ranting about those things far too much already.  The world is flawed.  Deal with it.  But the one area I feel I can make some progress is in myself.  Being the one in my circle of college friends believed least likely to do anything—I’ve made some progress, but still have a LONG way to go.  Among my many problems—vice.  I like vices… and have quite a few.  They’re really good coping mechanisms.  Luckily—kids help change that too.

TDN: Is there any life stage or event you would have skipped (like geometry) on the way to where you are now? Would it have been missed?

AM: I could have added some… but wouldn’t skip a thing.  All the bumps and bruises, arrests and giant embarrassments along the way make you the twisted person you become.  There are many things I’d like to forget, but not erase. I thank whatever entity kept me alive through my youth. I loved Geometry.

TDN: What was your main stepping stone to getting to where you are today? (Person, place, thing, luck, pluck, virtue?)

AM: I really sucked at school. Really sucked (except for geometry). But for some reason the working world inspired me.  Luckily, I developed an intense drive the day I left college. But that’s not the question. I got ahead by whoring myself out to whomever would have me (not in a dirty way), if there was something I could learn… I volunteered for any and every opportunity I could—and was ready to do anything. Get coffee, buy extra large condoms (long story), or drive through a tornado (also a long story). There is nothing worse to me than entitlement. Real accomplishment is earned with hard work.

TDN: What word or phrase do you say most often?

AM: Well, our child’s daycare would probably tell you it’s “fuck”.

TDN: What is your single biggest accomplishment?

AM: Finding my soul mate and procreating, hands down. Again… so cliché, but my family has given me an emotional perspective like I’ve never experienced. A bump in the road that once would have floored me for days, leaving that pit in my stomach… now seems so manageable. Which makes it manageable.

TDN: Is there anything that you can’t live without? (besides food, water and oxygen)

AM: Sleep?

TDN: What’s the best part of your life?

AM: I’m getting redundant here… but family and friends. Love really is the best thing out there. My ultimate drug.

TDN: And have you figured out how to get more of it?

AM: I’m just trying to not lose what I already have.

TDN: What is your ultimate motivation tool?

AM: Will you hold it against me if I said vice? And fear of failure?

TDN: If someone wanted to be you or do what you do, what would you say to them?

AM: I would tell anyone the same thing. Figure out what you want to do. Figure out how to do it. Do it. It sounds so simple, but when done with realistic expectations—it’s the best chance you got.

John Grogan, Best-selling author (we’re talking 5 million copies sold…and a movie…and a fantastic NEW book)

During a successful career as a journalist and columnist, John Grogan wrote a farewell article to his crazy yellow lab, Marley, and the rest, as they say…is an international best-seller and a major motion picture staring Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston.

John’s writing books full-time now and recently released his second book – a memoir called, The Longest Trip Home. You see, John Grogan started from humble beginnings laden with Catholicism, pudginess, an out of control head of hair, a knack for causing a lot of trouble and a natural gift for writing. I can’t put it down – being most drawn to the rawly authentic way he’s matched his writing and his storytelling so precisely to the mood, age and level of innocence he actually had when he lived each precious piece of life as a boy in Michigan.

The Interview

The Daily Norm: My readers and I would like to make sure you are, in fact, human – it levels the ‘normalcy’ playing field. So do you eat, go to the bathroom, bleed and cry? We’re happy to hear some proof if you want to supply it…

John Grogan: Guilty as charged of all of the above. Love to eat, and I confess to having no self-restraint while on book tour with a HarperCollins Amex card burning a hole in my pocket. Bring on the crème brulée! And yes, I wept like a baby while writing the ending chapters of both Marley & Me and The Longest Trip Home. What a wimp I am. (It’s okay, John…we all cried like babies. In fact, I also recall hyperventilating…)

TDN: What’s your daily schedule on a normal day?

JG: In February 2007, I quit my job as a columnist at the Philadelphia Inquirer to work on books full-time. Ten months later, I had a finished manuscript of The Longest Trip Home. I thought I would miss newspapers after a 20-plus-year career, but I’ve been plenty busy without the day job. On a typical day I get up about 7, make strong coffee, read the New York Times, check email, then begin my to-do list: On some days it’s to write another chapter, on others to weed the garden. Throw into the mix blogs, contracts, speaking engagements, bookstore appearances, and of course Twitter and Facebook, and my days are pretty full. Try to find time for a walk around our 19-acre mini-farm each day, too.  I usually take a break when my kids get home from school, but then work into the night, usually until 1 a.m. or so.

TDN: Name one thing that you have to do on a regular basis that you despise. What lengths would you actually go to, in order to delete it from your schedule?

JG: Anything to do with taxes and the IRS. Paying the tab is bad enough, but the paperwork and bureaucracy drive me insane — even with the help of a good accountant. When you have a book out in 40-odd different countries, that’s a lot of paperwork and arcane tax code to go around. I fantasize moving to Antarctica where there would be no tax forms, just penguins, which are way cuter.

TDN: What would you change about your work, industry, profession or self if you could change anything?

JG: I’d make myself a little less neurotic about my writing. I live in constant fear that a single burp, hiccup, or sideways glance will shatter my writing mojo and dry up the words.

TDN: Is there any life stage or event you would have skipped (like geometry) on the way to where you are now? Would it have been missed?

JG: I could have pulled a Rip Van Winkle snooze through all of 10th grade and no one would have missed me, nor would I have missed a thing in my education. I write about the write-off year in The Longest Trip Home. Let’s just say I didn’t handle the transition from regimented Catholic education to public schools very well.

TDN: What was your main stepping stone to getting to where you are today? (Person, place, thing, luck, pluck, virtue?)

JG: Two teachers really helped: A Catholic brother my freshman year who saw I had some writing talent, but knew I was sloppy and lazy. He rode my ass relentlessly until I finally realized good writing takes more than raw ability; it takes a lot of hard work. A later teacher saw some glimmer of promise in me and encouraged me to start journaling. Those journals were my first step toward a career of first-person narrative writing.

TDN: What word or phrase do you say most often?

JG: “So, anyways…”

TDN: What is your single biggest accomplishment?

JG: Most people would expect me to say Marley & Me, a first book that totally changed my life. Actually, it’s my three beautiful, wonderful, funny children who, while admittedly accelerating the graying of my hair, bring me immeasurable joy and pride.

TDN: Is there anything that you can’t live without? (besides food, water and oxygen)

JG: Good, live music. (OK, the real answer is sex, but I didn’t say that.)

TDN: What’s the best part of your life?

JG: After my family? The relationship I have with readers. I receive emails and letters every day from all over the world, and they not only warm my heart, they give me the creative jolt I need to keep going. At my book signings, I swear I’ve met some of the nicest humans on the planet.

TDN: And have you figured out how to get more of it?

JG: Write more books.

TDN: Who do you most admire? Why?

JG: Men (and women too) who can hand-cut a perfect dovetail joint, drop a tree on a dime, and survive handily if tossed inadvertently into the deepest, most inhospitable wilderness. I’d also love to have dinner with Bill Clinton.

TDN: What is your ultimate motivation tool?

JG: Travel. Usually on about Day 4 of any trip, I begin to unwind and the words and ideas start coming in rapid fire. Problem is, I usually don’t get around to writing them down.

TDN: If someone wanted to be you or do what you do, what would you say to them?

JG: Watch what you wish for.

*********************************************

Where to find John Grogan:
www.johngroganbooks.com
Twitter
Facebook

And, if you want to read more from Julie Roads, creator of The Daily Norm, go here.

The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson), Blogger, Mother, Humorist

The Bloggess is a blog favorite who regales us with stories about playing with Guy Kawasaki on Navy aircraft carriers in the middle of the ocean, kidnapping Project Runway’s Tim Gunn and (in)appropriate dosages of Xanax on her own blog. She also writes Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle, a satirical sex column, a horrible advice column and she twitters a lot. Her husband is Victor. Her 4-year-old is Hailey. Her pug is Barnaby Jones Pickles.

Interview

The Daily Norm: My readers and I would like to make sure you are, in fact, human – it levels the ‘normalcy’ playing field. So do you eat, go to the bathroom, bleed and cry? We’re happy to hear some proof if you want to supply it…

The Bloggess: I have a really bad anxiety disorder so I spend my entire life hiding in a bathroom.  So much so that when people are looking for me at parties or events they immediately go to the bathroom to find me.  I am always there.

TDN: What’s your daily schedule on a normal day?

The Bloggess: Wake up, take Hailey to school, consider showering, download bad porn to inspire me to write my sex column, get bored with porn, wonder how my life got to be like this, check Twitter to see who I’ve offended, post blogs about embarrassing myself, fight with my husband about cheese, pick up Hailey from school, watch Ghost Hunters, read bedtime stories, make a wine slushy, pretend to sleep – but instead sneak out of bed when husband is play on the internet.

TDN: Name one thing that you have to do on a regular basis that you despise. What lengths would you actually go to, in order to delete it from your schedule?

The Bloggess: I have to take a chemo drug for my rheumatoid arthritis and it makes me throw up a lot.  I’d prefer not to throw up any more.

TDN: What would you change about your work, industry, profession or self if you could change anything?

The Bloggess: I want to finish my book.  I am a giant procrastinator.

TDN: Is there any life stage or event you would have skipped (like geometry) on the way to where you are now? Would it have been missed?

The Bloggess: All the crap things that happened to me made me who I am today.  So I guess I’d skip everything.

TDN: What was your main stepping stone to getting to where you are today? (Person, place, thing, luck, pluck, virtue?)

The Bloggess: My mom and grandmother who taught me “It’s nice to be important, but it’s important to be nice”.  And my husband for buying me a snowcone machine.  And Guy Kawasaki for actually thinking I’m funny rather than putting a
restraining order on me.

TDN: What word or phrase do you say most often?

The Bloggess: “Fuck”.  Or maybe “the”.  I say “the” a lot.

TDN: What is your single biggest accomplishment?

The Bloggess: Having my daughter.  I have a rare blood disease so I had to give myself hundreds of shots in the stomach to keep her alive.  Totally worth it. She’s kind of kick-ass for a kid.

TDN: Is there anything that you can’t live without? (besides food, water and oxygen)

The Bloggess: Xanax

TDN: What’s the best part of your life?

The Bloggess: The people in it.

TDN: And have you figured out how to get more of it?

The Bloggess: No.  I’m lucky that weird people gravitate toward me.  I always have lots of weird people around.

TDN: Who do you most admire? Why?

The Bloggess: Dorothy Parker.  She was witty on paper and in real life.  I’m struggling to even master the first.

TDN: What is your ultimate motivation tool?

The Bloggess: Fear of giant squid.

(She’s not kidding)

TDN: If someone wanted to be you or do what you do, what would you say to them?

The Bloggess: I would ignore them because they obviously have me confused for someone else.