Alexa DiCarlo, Sex Educator, Sex Worker and Sex Worker Rights Activist
My name is Alexa, and I am a 24-year old professional companion based in San Francisco. I am originally from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and moved to the Bay Area to attend graduate school, where I am working on a degree in human sexuality. When I complete my Masters here, I intend to go on and pursue my PhD or EdD in sex education, and hope to become a professional sex educator at some point. I’ve been teaching people about sex for over nine years now, and it just seems as though it’s a natural fit for me.
I maintain two blogs under my Alexa persona. The first is my personal blog, Real Princess Diaries, where I talk about my work and about many other things related to human sexuality (and the occasional other subject that strikes my fancy). The second is a site called My First Professional Sex, which is a blog I recently started to allow sex workers (escorts, call girls, porn stars, strippers, professional dommes and submissives, massage artists, and other people who work in the sex industry) to explain to the world why they do what they do and how they got started. It was my way of countering the bogus claims of all of the anti-sex work shills who get all of the attention on this subject.
Interview
The Daily Norm: My readers and I would like to make sure you are, in fact, human – it levels the ‘normalcy’ playing field. So do you eat, go to the bathroom, bleed and cry? We’re happy to hear some proof if you want to supply it…
Alexa DiCarlo: You know, one thing I do that is kind of embarrassing to me is cry every time I pass a rabbit that has been hit by a car or something. I used to raise and show rabbits, and I just have an affinity for them. So when I see one that is lying on the side of the road, my mind goes through all sorts of machinations about his little rabbit friends coming by to pay their respects, mourning him and so forth. And when I go by the spot later and he’s not there any longer, I imagine that he’s been carried away and buried by them. I once hit a rabbit with my car and it devastated me – I couldn’t stop crying and had to cancel whatever it was I was headed off to do that morning.
I don’t bleed any longer, though. Does that make me less than human? Superhuman, perhaps? I’m on Lybrel, which means I don’t have a period for a year at a time. That is what you were referring to, right?
TDN: What’s your daily schedule on a normal day?
Alexa: I lead what most would consider a very boring life, with moments of sheer ecstasy here and there.
On most days, if I don’t have an early morning appointment, I’ll usually wake up between 7:00 and 8:00AM. I get up and eat breakfast while I check all of the web sites I run, catch up on e-mails that have accumulated through the night, etc. If I have some reading or homework to do for classes, then I’ll do that before I jump back online and spend time catching up on what’s going on. I participate in a variety of forums (under both my Alexa identity and a couple of others), and will spend much of the day working there and writing for my blogs and other stuff.
If I have a morning appointment (I have one regular client who I see at 6AM each weekday morning when he’s in town), I’ll get up around 5:30, go see him for about an hour, then come home and do the above.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have classes in town that last about 3 hours each, so that interrupts those days.
If I have clients during the afternoon or (more commonly) in the evening, I’ll shower and get dolled up to go see them. I only see 3 or 4 clients per week at most (mostly for 2-4 hours each). The balance of my time is spent maintaining my dozen or so web sites (again, some under my Alexa persona, others under other names). I am a counselor on a couple of web sites related to sexuality – so I spend considerable time on those answering questions and whatnot. I’ll typically go to bed between 10PM and midnight.
On some nights when I don’t have a client, I’ll go out dancing or go to a club to pick up a woman and bring her back to my place for some fun and frivolity. When the urge hits me, I’ll go on a short vacation from time to time as well. That’s one of the benefits of my job – an extremely flexible schedule.
TDN: Name one thing that you have to do on a regular basis that you despise. What lengths would you actually go to, in order to delete it from your schedule?
Alexa: I hate going to class. Even though I very much enjoy learning, I hate having to get dressed, walk to class and sit through three hours of lecture twice a week. If I could I would absorb all information through some form of osmosis. I’m not disciplined enough to take online or telework classes, though, so going is the only way I can learn effectively.
TDN: What would you change about your work, industry, profession or self if you could change anything?
Alexa: I would change the stigma associated with sex work. People have this media- and ignorance-induced concept of what being a prostitute is like, and the reality for those of us who do private work is nothing like what most people envision. The people who make it seem as though we’re all drug-addicted, sexually-abused, can’t get a “real job” lowlifes are the ones who seem to get all of the attention. The people who do this work and can speak intelligently about it are rarely heard, and when we are, we’re not believed. I’d change it so that we at least get equal footing with the anti-prostitution crowd. That was the primary impetus for the My First Professional Sex web site, in fact.
TDN: Is there any life stage or event you would have skipped (like geometry) on the way to where you are now? Would it have been missed?
Alexa: I could’ve done without 7th grade. Up to that point, I’d been home schooled, and my first year in public school was quite awkward for me. By the time 8th grade rolled around, I’d gotten the hang of things and began to get my footing, though.
TDN: What was your main stepping stone to getting to where you are today? (Person, place, thing, luck, pluck, virtue?)
Alexa: I don’t know that I could point to a single stone. I am pretty much a go-getter. When I see something I want, or when I decide to do something, I do an incredible amount of research before I jump in. With respect to my current job, I did an honors project for my degree in which I interviewed several escorts, and was incredibly impressed with them to a person. When I decided to enter this line of work, I queried a number of current and former escorts, and many of them provided a tremendous amount of guidance and insight into what I needed to do to get it right. I owe several of them a great deal of gratitude.
TDN: What word or phrase do you say most often?
Alexa: I use the words “absolutely” and “anyway” far too often.
TDN: What is your single biggest accomplishment?
Alexa: Graduating magna cum laude from a prestigious private university. That took some serious effort, and a change of majors that resulted in me spending five years in school rather than the four I’d hoped.
TDN: Is there anything that you can’t live without? (besides food, water and oxygen)
Alexa: My Internet connectivity. The Internet is my lifeline to the world and provides me with access to education, information, etc., and provides a significant part of my social existence, as well as connecting me with clients and others who work in the industry I’m in. It also provides me a platform and conduit through which I can help other people, which is a big part of who I am – who I want to be. I think I’d wither away and die if I completely lost my Net connection.
TDN: What’s the best part of your life?
Alexa: The best part of my life right now is my job. I get paid to have sex with people (usually – sometimes it involves no sex at all). Not only does it pay extremely well, but I get to set my own schedule, control my own destiny, see who I wish to see, etc. I have a decent-sized savings account and investments for my future; I’m 24 and don’t owe anyone any money at all. Things are just clicking extremely well for me right now.
TDN: And have you figured out how to get more of it?
Alexa: I could lower my rates. Haha! Seriously, though, things are at an equilibrium and I prefer they stay that way. My rates and schedule are designed to keep me from overdoing it with that part of my life.
TDN: Who do you most admire? Why?
Alexa: I’m going to cheat and say that I admire women as a group. Women are such special creatures and so very misunderstood or intentionally ignored by the power structures in our world. Even when women participate in those power structures, they often seem to lose touch with their femaleness and their sense of community with women as a whole, so things don’t get better for us. We’ve made progress, to be sure, but have so far to go to rid the world of misogyny, sexism, inequality and all of that. That we live in that kind of environment and manage to thrive and succeed is awe-inspiring to me.
TDN: What is your ultimate motivation tool?
Alexa: Sex is my motivational tool. And I don’t mean that in the way the casual reader would first presume I would.
I think human sexuality is one of the least understood concepts humans deal with, and one of the tools used to control us by those who feel the drive and need to exert their authoritarianism on others. It’s an easy tool to use because people are so scared of it and so frightened to speak out publicly about it. I mean, think about it, you can’t even talk positively about sex a a pleasurable experience in any venue these days without huge groups of people getting all up in arms about it.
It’s my intent to do everything I can to change those perceptions – to force people to talk about it, talk about people doing it professionally, talk about how to get people to communicate about it, both on an interpersonal level with their partners and society at large, to talk about teenagers and children as sexual beings (you want to see some people freak out – advocate teaching teenagers that sex can be a pleasurable experience rather than just trying to scare them with facts and figures about STDs and pregnancy). A lot of that is controversial, sure, but until we begin to treat sexuality with some modicum of rationality and deal with it publicly, we’re never going to wrest ourselves from the control freaks who use it to coerce and punish people (often hypocritically, I might add).
TDN: If someone wanted to be you or do what you do, what would you say to them?
Alexa: Oh, gosh. If they wanted to do what I do (and I get a lot of inquiries from women about doing the work I do), I usually tell them to get a copy of Amanda Brooks’ book, The Internet Escort’s Handbook, Volume I, and read it. She explains what it takes to do this kind of work, what it involves, the risks and the rewards, and so forth. I’ve always said if you are one who can easily do one-night stands, it is just a small psychological jump to being able to do it for money. If you think you can do it, and Amanda’s book confirms it for you, then do your research, talk to women who are doing it (some will talk, some won’t), go about setting your business up, and have at it. Just make sure you understand the bad parts that go along with the good parts. Some women discover they’re born for this kind of work and excel at it.
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What a fascinating person. Young, vibrant, intelligent and completely confident in what she is doing. I applaud and support the work she is doing. Maybe if more people did then the horrible conditions in which the other “set” of sex workers have to deal with could be improved. I guess it is like anything else there are white collar workers, like Alexa and blue collar workers like a lot of the street prostitutes and it is a matter of chance, circumstances and personal grit as to which group you end up working in. Another great pick Julie!
Bravo! This was a great read–and so fascinating. Alexa–thank you for sharing this with us. This was a rare glimpse into the life of an escort, told so honestly. I can’t wait to check out your blog.
I had realized by some your tweets that you were majoring in Sex Education working for at least your Masters degree and possibly going for your doctorate. I also knew your were working as an escort. This article shows not only your passion for sex but the side of you that many of don’t see. The passion that sex not be dirty regardless of who is doing it to whom. For that fact protection of sex workers in everyday life. Regardless of what happens go for it and be our best..
This is by far the most interesting and thought provoking interview on the web…seriously. Two years ago, prior to a semi-life changing accident and too many screw ups with multiple surgeries on my knee, I was a single person (still single) fascinated with this life and the professionalism that could be brought to a person’s passion for sex and the fact that it’s not a dirty profession if you have a good head on your shoulders and a brain up there. I wrote the better part of a book on erotica (yes, me) and pondered this really interesting life (prior to the weight that all of this medical bullshit put upon me, I did have curves in the right places and a better attitude).
I loved reading this. I’m going to use the word again…fascinated. This young woman is brilliant. Kudos for going outside the box. Well, wrong choice of words….but….yay. Inspiring.
It’s always nice to hear/read comments from people who can see sex workers as more than what they do, unlike some people on this planet (see my post on Donna Hughes, who actively advocates for the abuse of sex workers for the kind of people we usually have to deal with).
Like many people, I used to assume that anyone who did this for a living was deluded, lazy, or dumb. A project I did for my undergraduate degree changed that for me, and I saw that there were a great many women (and men, actually) who are extremely intelligent individuals engaged in escort work across the country, and across the world for that matter. So it became much less stigmatized to me personally.
I appreciate Julie doing not only this project itself, but having the courage to interview a sex worker to find out that we are indeed just like any other human being on the planet.
And thanks to you guys for the kind words. I look forward to trying to make a difference in some small way with respect to the rights of sex workers, and the right of each individual to enjoy their sexuality on their own terms and not those of the government or some individual or group of individuals who think they should be allowed to impose their morals on everyone else.
Next time, try to pick an escort and sex worker activist who is real.